So I shaved my head recently.


Now in ordinary circles, a bald pate would be met with polite respect. A nod to the noggin, as it were. Baldness, I’m told, naturally brings forth the philosopher in one. Unfortunately, my friends don’t seem to have gotten the hang of philosophy – their thought processes seem to run along the lines of “Can I pat it?” and “WHY ARE YOU BALD?”

Therefore, allow me to pen this dignified reply.

  1. Meth lab credibility. I make my living as a blogger, writer and editor. Should this fall out, I can always start a meth lab. However, modern-day investors demand that certain standards be followed. Certain protocols must be observed. The skull, as it is, should be bared, as set forth by our comrade W. White (2008).
  2. An Airbending careerA bald head can detect air currents, and with the right amount of tattoos, may eventually land me a starring role in the next Airbender.
  3. Portable lighting for photoshoots. Few artificial implements can match the warm glow reflected off a well-kept scalp. Bounced light is a thing now. Photographers in particular tend to appreciate that the scalp in question comes with its own pair of legs, so as to be readily moved from one place to another.
  4. Branding opportunities. 
  5. Baldbook. Bald people subconsciously connect other bald people. I believe this is due to psychic waves of meth lab potential that we emanate.
  6. Infinite savings on shampoo.
  7. No bad hair days. Or hair, for that matter. Eliminate the source of the problem, so to speak.
  8. Instathug. Surveys have shown that my thug index has risen by a factor of 5, instantly unlocking hidden badassery and a secondary career path as a bouncer.
  9. Stanley Tucci.

Like so.

And that, o ye of little scalp, is why I chose the path of the Bald and the Beautiful. Problem?