Honorable Speaker, as the 20th Minister of Finance of Sri Lanka, it is my privilege to present the 71st Budget for 2017. First I’m going to put the rest of the Parliament to sleep by singing the praises of Yahapalanaya and Ranil W. Now, if you can all forget our track record of failed budgets, let’s begin.

We spend around Rs. 200 billion to import food products and agriculture related goods annually. Honorable Speaker, I propose to spend 1 billion rupees more trying to get our country to be self-sufficient in Potatoes, Big Onions, Chilies, Maize and Soya. We’re going to remove VAT on farming machines and use another 50 million to subsidize their purchase. How many of those magically turn into BMWs I cannot say.

Honorable Speaker, we’re kinda losing the tea market, but we’re going to make genetically superior coconuts, and try to get people to grow sugarcane.

Our cows, having being born under the previous regime, are unfortunately not producing enough milk. I propose to throw Rs 600 million at those blasted herbivores.

Our fisheries, if the Indians don’t keep stealing, will be amazing. I propose to spend Rs 3 billion to make sure that they are. There’s some shit here about chickenfeed and ornamental fish that I shall also now read out to you. You can pretend to listen.

Now some of you may not know this, but the Moragahakanda, Uma Oya and Yan Oya irrigation projects, if we finish them, will do a lot of good for the Northern, Eastern, North Western, Uva and Southern Provinces. Families living there will also need water and electricity. Honorable Speaker, we’ve allocated over Rs 60 billion for the whole shebang. We’re also going to spend some money upgrading over 80 dams.

By the way, I also want to do this Heda Oya thing. New reservoir. Only costs Rs 20 billion. Money? Foreign loans, not to worry. Trust me. We can make irrigation great again.

Honorable Speaker, education is centric in our development model. But we’re going to drop investment on this by 40%, because it turns out the Ministry doesn’t know how to spend money. If anyone complains, tell them we’re still better than the previous government.

We’re going to spend a lot of money upgrading schools that need it. I’ve also been reading science fiction, and so we’ve decided to spend Rs 5 billion free Tabs for 175,000 A/L students and 28,000 A/L teachers. Telcos are going to provide WiFi connections. What’s that? No, I don’t mean 3G connections, I mean WiFi. Don’t bother me with actual science. No, they won’t watch porn.

Honorable Speaker, we’re going to add Hospitality Management, Fashion Design, Digital Technology, Logistics and Financial Literacy to O/L and A/L streams. I don’t know what we’ll actually teach them. We’ll figure something out. Also, the Ministry is going to support 1,000 gifted students by giving them 2,500 rupees a month each, which will make us feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Honorable speaker, all schoolchildren between the ages of 5 and 19 will receive an insurance policy for Rs 200,000.

We’ve also thought long and hard about the universities. Honorable speaker, you’ll agree that a lot of people who want degrees can’t get them; these failures eventually pay for their own education or end up here in Parliament.

Therefore, I propose to double the intake into universities: to give scholarships to the top three students of every university to continue in Harvard or Cambridge; and by the way, here’s Team SHARK. Did I tell you about Team SHARK? These boys built a car. Fabulous stuff.

Please stop yelling about the budget cuts now.

Note: This is a parody, numbers are accurate and the full text of the budget speech can be found here.